A fond welcome back to any and all of my lovely readers. faithful fanbase, and any newcomers as well! Your dear Endiry has kept herself well since last she posted, busily seeing and seen to by her mentor's lessons and love. As Wednesday, day of my ancestors' beloved Odin breaks and the city's lights gleam like spires of set stars against the night's black velvet and the lovely yet banal tones of The Flower Duet drift about the quiet room, competing only with the pecking of quick fingers at keys, I sit here reveling in one of the simplest pleasures: tasting water.
I've learned in my pittance of years that there is pleasure to be had in literally any experience - for those who know how to find it. And, my dear friends, I know. Even the simplest acts and flavors - simply sipping a glass of plain, untouched water can be enjoyable: the coolness as it slides down your throat, the indescribable taste that's barely there, the way it seems to change anytime it nearly reminds you of something, the elegant purity, the innocence of it.. that so many, myself often included, mostly overlook such plain joys is itself part of the joy in a way I couldn't hope to explain, as is the unremarkableness yet necessity of the act. Even as the sensory side of sipping the water is rather spare, the thoughts that chase about my mind when I stop to think about the significance of the act are anything but. Undoubtedly the ritualistic creature in me seeks to ascribe all things a deeper soulful meaning, but even the cynically derisive being of logic sees it as necessary for life - as basic, elementary as breathing, yet vital.
With every swallow, we animals - whether thoughtlessly or with deliberate meditation - choose life. We so often take for granted simple necessities, and even life itself at times. With every sip I choose to extend this precious, beautiful gift I'm just starting to appreciate. It's also a chance to reflect on just how well off I am, lounging about in brocade, in my comfortable room, in my wonderful city,in this first world nation. I have the luxury of clean running water - cold, scalding, and anywhere in between - on a whim; I've to do nothing but wish it, and this necessity flows with the turn of a tap. Elsewhere our species is not so lucky.
It's surreal to imagine - so deeply ingrained are the conveniences of civilization - such a basic requirement being a scarcity to others. Where once this would have made me wring my hands with guilt; where once I'd've been riddled with horrendous sadness at the thought, at my advantages, and the terrible condition of another human being, let alone millions, I now sip with a conscience as clear as my glass and a heart as light and cool as the water I could easily sip or pour untouched down the sink. And that, I suppose, is the heart of this simple yet far from simple pleasure. For the first time in my life, I can savor that life without remorse or needless self-loathing. For the first time, there is no bitterness. I no longer hold myself laughably culpable for the wrongs of the world, for the evils of chance or corruption. Instead of bemoaning the ill luck of others, I've learned instead to enjoy my own fortune; it was through no evil of mine that I was born into my circumstance - it was easily as likely I could've been born as one of those poor wretches.
But I wasn't. I was born in a well-to-do country, with ample opportunity and always at least enough to get by. I never once wondered if I would live to see next week, or if I'd have food on the table or a home.. well, not usually at least. Yet I spent half my waking moments making myself miserable over those who weren't so lucky, feeling ashamed to even be happy. I can't help but chuckle looking back at that mindset, though with a touch of sadness. I spent my entire life determined to sabotage any cheer I felt, essentially squandering all those gifts. I was determined to lower myself to the pain and joyless existence of those poor wretches - a fruitless and impossible endeavor I see now. It's one thing to try and do something to better their conditions, it's another to pointlessly suffer like some would-be martyr on their supposed behalf - hell, it could be seen as downright insulting to try and match their pain, coming from my privilege. Not only that, but I wind up wasting all the wondrous advantages I've been lucky enough to be born to or worked hard for, practically spitting on on the gifts life's given me.
Now dear reader, if you know me in the slightest, you know I abhor rudeness; I ask then - what could be ruder than false sympathy and lying about understanding, other than refusing a gift? Not damned much! Yet for years that's exactly what this foolish gal did, and all in the name of some abstract morality I never even thought to question. I pride myself on pondering and delving into all manner of things, yet here was this core facet of my mindset I whose depths I'd not once thought to plumb, whose foundation I'd never deigned to test. Not until my mentor, my Chiron. He asked me questions that never occurred to me, encouraged me not only explore my reasons, but also to feel pride, and, what's more, happiness.
And soon enough, that flawed foundation I'd built so much on was dashed to nothing. Soon enough I was no longer seeking reasons to punish myself for my own successes or luck. Soon enough I was actually happy, happy like I'd never known I could be. Where once I'd tried to excuse my strengths, to hide them for fear of making another unhappy, I learned to wear them proudly. Many of them I'd been born with, but even those I'd worked on, honed over years of diligent study or practice. There was no reason to worry about hurting someone less lucky than I's feelings. Just as I was lucky enough to be born to easy water, I was born to talent, to intelligence, to looks, to charisma, and I've learned at long last to savor those as much as any other gift. Just as every sip I took was choosing to celebrate and prolong life, even if I didn't dwell on it or even give it the slightest thought, every time I create, every time I draw or sing or write, every time I debate, every time I make a new friend or admirer I am choosing to further these skills and at the same time celebrate them. And that right there tastes rather sweet.
Funnily enough, I seem to've started making more friends as I behave honestly to my abilities rather than trying to hobble myself to bring myself to the level of the common man. Certainly some toes have been tread on, some feelings hurt - and certainly there's been some petty jealousy - but I've learned also to take the opinions and dispositions of my lessers far less seriously. I've stopped feeling guilty for them being beneath me - it's no more my fault than is my own birth. More over I cannot be blamed for how they choose to squander their lives or attentions. If they would rather try to drag down those more talented or strong-willed than they instead of trying to rise to their level, then on their own heads be it. I've lost my sense of guilt and unreasonable obligation to them.I'm free of them, and nothing has ever tasted so sweet. Not the gorgeous strings of Mozart's Symphony 25 in G minor, not the crisp gorgeous Autumn night's breeze, not even my nearly empty glass of cold, clean water.
So indulgence, enjoyment of simple and deeper experiences, has taught me to love myself. For the first time in my twenty two years, I feel love for myself, and the wanton pursuit of pleasure is what I've to thank for it.. were it not for my devotion to its god, I'd not have met my teacher.. I may never have questioned my idiotic guilt; I may have gone my entire life hating myself for being better or more fortunate than others, even blaming myself for other's shortcomings. But I am now free. Blake said the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom; hedonism seeks enlightenment through pleasure, and sure enough I've found quite a bit of enlightenment. I'm finally happy... just happy and glad of it.
So with that, I believe I've droned on about all that and sermonized about serving the self enough - I'm going to go ahead and head to bed for the night, after getting myself another glass of water and praying my man brings home something better to drink. I know, after all that talk of enjoying the simple, pure things, but come on - I'm a hedonist - shamelessly so now no less! So lovely as savoring the simplicity of water is at times, I've still a craving for so much more... and presently a sweet-tooth that's going to drive me to murder soon if it's not assuaged. Ah well, until next I decide to bore you my lovely and wonderful readers! Auf wiedersehen, and a lovely night to you all!
