Good morning lovely readers. Those of you with more than an ounce of perception may have noticed the slightly morbid tone of a few of my posts. I'd like to go ahead and apologize for this tendency, it's hardly intentional and really quite unbecoming after a while. I never intended for this blog to become some dread dirge, but rather a more lighthearted vessel for my airier musings. Alas it seems instead to be sinking further and further into the quagmire of morose self-reflection, having taken on too weighty and serious a ballast.
Such habits are far from baseless though - it's simply that until these last few years, all I really knew within the sanctum of self were these darker moods, so putting such things to word has become a well-practiced art. Happiness, on the other hand, I am new to. Its soaring pinnacles, giddy heights, its endless seas of inspiration I have scarce begun to explore, a frightened child in a bright new land. I feel a deep joy, as deep as any sorrow's roots within my soul. It is there as often, if not more so, that I spend my days internal. I've yet to put words to most of the wonders found there, to the giddy childish glee I feel nearly every day. Looking back through my posts I see I've not done this part of me justice in the slightest.
To be completely fair, I have been under a decent bit of stress as of late. Playing 'shoulder-to-cry-on' for so many at a time without considering myself worthy of letting myself feel... It ended poorly the other night. I managed to hurt not one but both men I love most in this world, and then all I could do was weep and break down, making them feel bad and in turn making me feel even worse. Something snapped in me that night, and I'm glad my friends are as forgiving as they are - I'm not sure I would be, but I suppose that's why they're my betters, through and through. I aspire to be like them - to be as good, as loyal and loving. Their selflessness that night touched me in a way I cannot describe, and I know It will be one of those bittersweet memories I will carry with me for all my life. For a while the next day even, I feared I had cut short a beautiful friendship, though looking at it now I see how foolish I was - such a staunch and steadfast cohort would hardly cast me aside for such an idiotic offence as mine that night.
Still, that dread of loss awoke in me realizations, good ones - fear not, I'm not about to go into another of my moribund laments this early in the day. I realized how dear these companions are to me, how much of my heart and mind they take up, and how lucky I am to have them. They are a blessing I never earned - somehow I must have curried some sympathy from on high (or even the saints and gods lack the patience to put up with my morose mumblings and toilsome whines.) One way or another I am certain that without them mine would be a sorry world indeed. Even typing about them's enough to bring a silly smile to my often too-serious face. They bring out the very best of me, and stoke the fires of passions that without such joy lay smoldering, banked and forgotten. Truly they are the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for.
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